Dec. 12th, 2007

(no subject)im better when i ignore it. supposed i just go along with my wretched life and hope something brighter happens soon.
Posted at 01:10 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Track This
shit
groups: Inner demons
im here because i cant unload on any one else. no one cares to here my shit anymore. these are things that happen because i make wrong desisions. didnt help that my mother was a complete bitch. doesnt help that im pmsing. my life just feels like complete shit right now and complaining about it is not gonna help. no one cna help anyway. i do try to remember that this time of year is messed up. im way more forgiving of my parents than martin. i know my mother will eventually get over it. Or not i dont care, i felt cheated by not being included in the possible time of doing it.

i am dusgusted with myself to assume someone to behave a certain way that they dont normally. And of course with my stupid logic thinking i deserve these jealousy issues for my past transgression.
and on top of that try hard not to puke this stuff up on my friends who either dont have time or have no experience to deal with these issues.

im in a lovely place in time
fucking death spiral. he didnt txt me so now im upset cause jee he usually has time to shoot a txt...like it takes what all of two seconds. fucking bullshit.
Posted at 07:47 am | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Track This

Jun. 8th, 2007
(no subject)groups: Inner demons
Waking up in the middle of the night to be kissed was probably the most romantic thing you have done yet. That one is gonna stick with me for a while.
Posted at 08:39 am | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Track This

Jun. 6th, 2007
(no subject)anger takes over today, why? cause i let it. i need a new emotion and this one fits just fine. it empowers me, unfortuneatly it also makes me cry which just drives hate even deeper. The hate of things i cannot change and the hate of things i try but never succeed. Hate of the pain ive been thru of my own decisions. Hate of my obsessions that leave me no peace. Hate of the bitch i cannot be. Hate of a creation that took 13 yrs in the making. Hate of the things i cannot be to those around me. Hate of the apathy i have for certain things that i am suppose to concentrate one. Hate of the spiral effect of my emotions. the anger rides a wave to the surface and i want to peel skin away from flesh just to watch it bleed. I want to glare to make my eyes feel on fire. i want to stab to feel the pressure and release as it sinks in. i want to bite to feel the ache in my temple go numb. i want outside of myself.
Posted at 07:25 am | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Track This

Jun. 5th, 2007
(no subject)groups: Online Friends
Im tired. i am exhausted. My brain doesnt want to make a complete thought pattern. I can still see you sitting there watching Advent children and wondering what is going thru your mind. You look so distant then. It made me so sad. I hope i can heal your pain. I waited to be the one. please dont let another take my place.
Posted at 08:04 am | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Track This

May. 31st, 2007
(no subject)So im wondering why Cay is so angry. What does she know that i dont. Am i gonna have this issue forever. am i willing to live with these issues.
Posted at 01:29 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Track This

May. 30th, 2007
(no subject)groups: Inner demons
So other than feeling like crap im alright. I wish things could be good all the time. I know its impossible to ask but its still a freaking dream. All my female friends are giddy with new relationships. Amanda is having a nervous wreck in a good way, learning the ropes. Megan is all chittery over some guy she knew in high school. Garrett is all happy with his Dana. Right this minute Im happy too. But once again im too scared things are gonna crash like hell. And i get the feeling i hold on a bit too tight hoping i at least feel it tug away. I just wish it would stay calm for a while. Cause it never seems to do that.
Posted at 10:47 am | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Track This
(no subject)So yes i do have questions that im sure you wont answer. Im assuming the time mentioned in your recent post is the time you spent talking to rose? Im assuming this has thrown you for a loop and now you just wish she was around so you can make things better with her. I need to release this anger and you need to hear it. No im not starting anything, once again you think i like this drama? You think that the person im having move in with me is somone i want to be a partime girlfriend to? Im not all that progressive to be roommating with someone who is dating someone else, or have to worry that every night your talking to this that or another girl. Stop for one second and realize that i do none of these things. Its called respect for the person your with.