Dec. 31st, 2007

Early 07
groups: Inner demons
another episode from the anger journal. So now i know and im freaking out. So what he made out with some girl, damn it i knew it was shit. I am being so used. Im so cold inside right now i have to act like nothing is wrong. i should just let this go and forget it. What happen to the trust there was none to begin with. i expect what i give and that is wrong i suppose. im just sick. yes i deserve to be cheated on. i hope all it was was making out. please dont make me go thru this for nothing. Now im not sure what to do. why did you come here if you are mad at me and wont talk to me. Guess i would understand if you never wanted to see me again. im sure you dont trust me now. your always telling me to cheer up, what do i have to be cheerful about now. We both have trust problems now. happy fucking sping. i just want to move past this i know its unrealistic for me to want things a certain wat. that is why i didnt want to say anything about it all. Now im even more confused. im not supposed to be upset that i dont know where you are mentally with this. kinda this makes me feel like nothing is special. if it not worth talking about and im just whining then its not worth much or so it seems. that is the way you are acting. so i nee dto continue to live in a dream world cause that is all im getting. just like with richard, i knew it was too good to be anyhting real. i really wish i was a cold and unfeeling thing right now.
Posted at 03:34 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Track This
Dated 1-29-07
groups: Inner demons
this was in my anger journal that im going to move to here. My father starts telling me what i owe. then telling me its alot and i need to thnk about finances and moving. And how i spend time wiht martin more than he knows a i better think about my priorities and he is reconsidering helping with jrs insurance, because of it. And he better stop talking about it or he is gonna get pissed. I walk out to the car and wait for mom and she gets in and says she didnt know he was gonna do that. I said its because im not doing what he wants. She starts off with "Well you know" i said "no im done with it and stop" She said fine stop the car if you wont listen to me. I said i just got the lecture form him i dont need it from you too. She got out and left. I dont want to go over there tomorrow. the two people that can help me, one is not available. I called amanda she did her normal angry and when am i gonna stand up to this crap. I really dont have to anymore do i? I have enoug money, my tax return is mine. I need to call and find out about my cellular. then i can have my cell phone in my name. Im mad because i cant call him a nasty hypocrite or argue because its usueless. and she just puppets him.
Posted at 12:47 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Track This
(no subject)groups: Inner demons
im in a mental death spiral and i dont like it and im trying to pull myself out of it. i think i will pull out of it. i need a new perspective.
Posted at 08:33 am | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Track This
(no subject)groups: Inner demons
Ya im starting to write more. Now that i have found a way to do it without martin seeing it. honestly i know i bitch about stuff that is my own doing and itsn ot fair to those around me to deal with it. i live a sad stupid life.
Posted at 08:32 am | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Track This

Dec. 29th, 2007
(no subject)groups: Inner demons
Momma, i am showing you some things in my journal that i dont want certain other people to see as well. just wanted you to know that.
Posted at 06:31 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Track This
(no subject)groups: Inner demons
im not happy and i cant tell if its all just in my head or not.