stuff

Jul. 2nd, 2006
surviving
i guess im destined to live my life outside the norm. Last relationship was partial, this one partial. At least this one is a million times better than anything before. Yes it would be nice to have all those other things, but the mundane things could kill it. Am i fooling myself. Probably, just to keep my sanity and to keep what little i have. I mean seriously where am i going to find someone else? i dont go out, i dont meet new people unless they are from work. This is probably where the stupid flag should come up. He is staying where he is, seems to be doing better there too, absolved himself from "leading me on", now its all me. But if i can just keep my thoughts from going too deep im alright. Do i deserve more, yes, but its not like i have offers dropping from the sky or something. I definately believe in dealing with what you have and making the most of it. Seems to have gotten better since we have both relaxed and can be ourselves again. That right there makes me hope. but learning to live with what you have is something to get used to.
Posted at 05:48 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Track This

Jun. 16th, 2006
Torment
My life is a constant state of torment. Its just degrees of pain. I may have gotten one wish but the other may have disappeared before i knew it was gone. I am waiting for one last answer, but that answer may change at anytime. I pin my hopes and dreams to the strangest things.
Posted at 09:30 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Track This

Jun. 12th, 2006
This is the place
Ya i think this will be the place were i can rant and vent and all out scream how much she f*cking pisses me off. My mother caught her talking on the phone. She is grounded from the phone. What? do i now have to lock the fracking phone up when she is home alone. Fracking slag. scum. ok this inventive swearing sucks @ss. I am so tense my teeth hurt, i get more and more tense because i cant find a solution. Short of locking the phone up i cant make her stop when im not here. GROWL
Posted at 08:20 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Track This

Jun. 11th, 2006
Daughters
location: Close enough to slap her, but wont
music: Wish i had Testament on
I wake up in a fairly decent mood and then she destroys it. I have a decent day at work and she kills it within 3 minutes. She is repeating the 6th grade, and i cant get thru her thick skull.
Posted at 11:22 am | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Track This

Jun. 6th, 2006
Why
Why do i need to have so many mood swings? Is it that my meds quit working or my hormones out o whack. Im getting sick of it. Which im sure is driving those close to me nuts as well. Even had one friend today tell me that i was being a bitch and mean. I thought i was being funny. That clipped my ears a bit. I really need to chill. Sure hope i do soon or i might say something i will regret.
Posted at 08:37 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Track This

Jun. 4th, 2006
Why
i cant imagine why i do this to myself. I lay awake hoping for something that wont happen. I know it wont. Things have been going too right. I thought i knew what pain was, guess i dont. The self inflicted kind is much worse i think, much more searing. I hate crying but it seems i cant stop it, which i think makes it worse. 45 minutes of it is fucking enough.I reread the emails and they are too beautiful and make me cry all the more. I came downstairs to distract myself with other things but i cant anymore. If you stuff your feelings long enough do they eventually fade? i dont want that to happen, maybe that is what has happened to him. I try to rationalize with excuses, lack of sleep, fear of the pain it will cause. my patience is so worn, i have to fortify it somehow without letting my pain get the better of me. This is so all consuming, like nothing before.
Posted at 01:25 am | Link | Leave a comment | Edit Entry | Edit Tags | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend | Track This

Jun. 3rd, 2006
(no subject)music: Dokken - Erase the slate
Ok so im writing something. Finally got hired. 'Bout damn time. But now I'm just waiting for my other dream to come true.